Grief: When Grief Is Not Acceptable

After exploring grief from a different perspective (see my previous blog Grief Beyond the Five Stages: Understanding Modern Grief and Healing), one question remains: What happens when grief does not fit into a “typical” loss?

There is an expectation that people will grieve the death of a spouse or a parent, but what about invisible losses—or losses not associated with death at all? These experiences often go unacknowledged by society. This is known as disenfranchised grief, sometimes referred to as hidden grief, a term first introduced by Kenneth J. Doka, Ph.D., in 1989 (Doka, 1989).

Disenfranchised grief can be broken down into several categories (Disenfranchised Grief: How to Cope & When to Get Help, n.d.):

1. Stigmatized loss: Deaths that society does not openly acknowledge, such as death by suicide, miscarriage or stillbirth, the death of a loved one involved in a crime, or deaths related to substance use.

2. “Insignificant” loss: A loss that is minimized or dismissed because of the type of relationship, such as an ex-spouse, teacher, co-worker, classmate, or pet. This category can also include the loss of someone cared for in a professional capacity (e.g., caregivers, medical professionals). It may even include the loss of non-human items such as a family heirloom.

3. Non-death losses: These include losses unrelated to death, such as the loss of health, employment, fertility, or moving to a new location. Other examples might include divorce, the ending of a friendship, estrangement from family, or witnessing a loved one struggle with mental health or addiction.

4. Loss experienced by marginalized individuals: Society often deems certain people as “unable” to grieve, such as children, individuals with developmental disabilities, or those with neurocognitive conditions (e.g., dementia, Alzheimer’s). These individuals may be excluded from funerals or denied the opportunity to process their grief fully.

   
   

As a therapist, I see firsthand how painful it can be when grief is unrecognized or invalidated. Disenfranchised grief often leaves people feeling isolated, ashamed, or questioning whether their pain is “real enough” to deserve attention. But grief does not require permission. Every loss that impacts you—whether acknowledged by society or not—is worthy of compassion and care.

If you find yourself carrying hidden grief, know that you don’t have to navigate it alone. Giving language to your loss and seeking supportive spaces—whether through therapy, community, or trusted relationships—can help you move toward healing. Grief may take different forms, but all of it matters, and all of it deserves to be seen.

References

Doka, K. J. (1989). Disenfranchised grief: Recognizing hidden sorrow. Lexington Books.

Disenfranchised grief: How to cope & when to get help. (n.d.). Psycom. https://www.psycom.net/disenfranchised-grief