Grief Beyond the Five Stages: Understanding Modern Grief and Healing

Grief is an inevitable part of life, often associated with the death of a loved one,. While grief can resemble symptoms of depression, these feelings are typically tied to a specific loss that causes immense sadness. For many, their understanding of grief stems from Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s groundbreaking 1969 book, On Death and Dying, which introduced the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. In recent years, a sixth stage—finding meaning—has also been proposed. However, it’s important to remember that Kübler-Ross originally developed this model based on her work with terminally ill patients facing their own mortality.

Although her model provided a helpful framework—particularly in a culture where open conversations about grief were rare—it’s worth questioning whether this linear view of grief still serves us today.

Is the Five Stages of Grief Model Still Relevant Today?

When someone is grieving, they are trying to make sense of a new normal. They may ask themselves:

• What happens next?

• Should I feel this way?

• How long will this last?

• When will I feel “normal” again?

Charles Corr, author of Death and Dying, Life and Living, remarked that the five-stage model is "seductive" because “they offer you an easy way to categorize people who are in those situations, and they happen to fit with five fingers on a hand so you can tick them off” (Corr, n.d.).

The problem arises when someone’s grief doesn’t align with the five stages—or when they don’t experience all the stages at all. This can lead to feelings of guilt or inadequacy, or cause others to question why they haven’t "moved on." The truth is, there is no single roadmap for grief. There is no shortcut to escaping the pain that loss brings.

A More Flexible Grief Model: The Dual Process Model of Coping

An alternative perspective is offered by the Dual Process Model developed by Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut. This model suggests that people naturally oscillate between two types of coping:

• Loss-oriented coping: Confronting the emotional aspects of grief—remembering, yearning, and reflecting on the loss.

• Restoration-oriented coping: Adapting to life after the loss, which may involve taking on new responsibilities, such as managing finances or household tasks once handled by the deceased.

Rather than following a linear checklist, the Dual Process Model acknowledges the fluid and individualized nature of grief. It allows space for moving back and forth between sorrow and healing, honoring both emotional and practical responses to loss.

How to Support Yourself or Others Through Grief

While grief can feel overwhelming, providing people the space to experience its many dimensions—and to find new meaning in their lives—is often the most supportive approach. Here are a few gentle reminders if you or someone you know is grieving:

• There is no “right” way to grieve. Everyone’s grief process is different.

• You may revisit emotions over time. Healing is rarely linear.

• Seeking help is a sign of strength. Talking to a counselor, therapist, or grief support group can make a big difference.

Grief Is Personal—Therapy Can Help You Navigate It

Grief is hard—there’s no way around that. It doesn’t follow a timeline, and it doesn’t always make sense. But trying to manage it all on your own can make it even harder.

As a therapist, I help people work through the messiness of grief—without judgment and without expecting you to “move on” before you’re ready. You don’t need to have the right words or know exactly what you’re feeling. You just need a place to start.

Let’s talk. You don’t have to do this alone, and you don’t have to wait. Reach out today and take that first step.

References

• Kübler-Ross, E. (1969). On Death and Dying. New York: Macmillan.

• Stroebe, M., & Schut, H. (1999). The Dual Process Model of Coping with Bereavement: Rationale and Description. Death Studies, 23(3), 197–224.

• Corr, C. A., & Corr, D. M. (n.d.). Death and Dying, Life and Living. [Exact edition and publisher info needed].